St. Patrick’s day was a little different this year than past years. Yoga with my best friend followed by coffee and getting our nails done sure beats blackouts and waking up with hangovers and regrets on March 18.
Today was a success, but that’s just today and definitely not a guarantee. I fear potential failures, lately more than ever. I fear that I will always fear relapsing. I fear that my new lifestyle will forever feel foreign. I fear waking up, falling asleep and everything in between will always be consumed by thoughts of staying sober, mixed in with memories of my life prior to October 8, 2017 while constantly questioning myself if I really need to do this.
The minute daylight savings hit last weekend my stress level sky rocketed. My first sober spring, summer and birthday are quickly approaching. I have not been sober during spring, summer or my birthday since I was about thirteen. Then I remind myself I hadn’t been sober through fall or winter since I was about thirteen but somehow managed not using for the last five months. Two seasons down, two to go and add in countless birthdays to get through…sober…for the rest of my life.
I fucking hate how much I think about this. I actually have written proof that I am happier, more stable and content now than I have ever been in my entire life. I look back on stuff I wrote six months ago, and long before that. I was in such a dark place then, even when I thought it wasn’t that bad I was so much worse than I am today even on my worst day sober. Even with that information I still selfishly miss getting high and drinking despite knowing that shit was directly linked to my emotional and mental instability which caused my severe depression. I hate that I don’t love myself enough to unquestionably want this healthy life over my old life filled with despair, zero stability and minimal self-confidence. I hate my racing brain trying to keep up with my thoughts of staying sober. I hate that others believe in me…so, so, so much. Way more than I probably ever will believe in myself. I hate that yesterday I googled “sober things to do”… it’s really not rocket science. I should google “how to do things sober”…the list might look a little like this:
-use the tools given to me by my mental health and alcohol/drug counselors
-believe ultimately it’s not in my hands, there is something wayyyy bigger out there than my ego that tricks me into thinking I can do this on my own
-continue attending meetings/talking to my sponsor
-stick close to my positive support system
-remove all toxins from my life, including toxic people
-quit living in self-pity and fear
Today was a success, which I know is not final. Tomorrow could be a failure but it won’t be fatal (God willing). With every success and failure that I have yet to experience, I pray to always have the courage to continue and make it count. No matter what.